Unmuted

It feels appropriate, as my voice has been taken from me this week by the forces of nature, that I'm reminded of something: it's mine to take back. Several moments brought this home to me... Witnessing the beautiful transparency of someone I know… Being told out of the blue that I hold high morals… And finally realizing that this is the first time in my life I've stayed silent in the face of injustice.

What many may not know about me is that when I was 14, my classmates wrote essays on their favorite books and dirt bikes. Then there was me, giving an awkward presentation on apartheid in South Africa, simply because I believed people needed to know. Why would anyone choose to look away from injustice?

At 16, while reading the Book of Daniel with my friends, I had a sudden awakening: Who will go to the ends of the earth to share the story of Jesus? Confused that no one else shared my urgency, I declared, "If no one else will go, I will." That promise became a defining moment in my life.

Later, after Bible school, you could find me at church, trying to spark that same fire for reaching the ends of the earth. In 2009, my friends and I spent a night in a makeshift slum shack in the Turku Marketplace. We wanted to raise awareness about what was then the fastest-growing slum in the world, in Durban, South Africa. I later traveled there with a group of young people, where I got to paint a school and had the honor of meeting people at a local crisis center.

A small group of us young women also founded the first NGO in Finland dedicated to raising awareness on human trafficking, with the noble goal of ending modern-day slavery. Back then, people naively believed that slavery didn't exist in Finland. And I would quote the British abolitionist William Wilberforce: "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing"—though that wonderful quote actually belongs to Edmund Burke. But now you know that there is still slavery in Finland, and as William Wilberforce actually said, "You may choose to look the other way, but you can never say again that you did not know."

For me, the focus has always been Jesus. Even when I've had a platform and apparent influence, I have always desired impact more. Because influence and a platform does not always produce impact in a meaningful way.

Who am I?

This is me…

In my own healing journey I've tried to make sense of my experience by listening to stories of other spiritual abuse survivors. Outside of Finland the church is exploding with accusations of abuse of authority in so many different ways. Things that have been going on beneath the surface for years, but for the sake of the gospel or revival people have been silenced… for the greater cause of taking the kingdom of God to the ends of the earth. I can relate to that cause, but my morals and sense of responsibility as a spiritual leader would never let me sacrifice a sheep for the sake of a shepherd. Could you imagine the historians sharing stories of amazing revivals that were carried on the shoulders of abused men, women and children? People whose lives were deemed worthy by their leaders to be sacrificed for the sake of the next great move of God. How does that compare to the stories of missionaries sacrificing their own lives for the sake of people hearing the gospel?

It does not!

This is not a heroic story.

There is no passage or story in the bible where you could justify sacrificing the sheep for the shepherd. The shepherd is the one who willingly sacrifices themselves in order to bring back the sheep. It is about stopping for the one. Love.

What really struck me in the stories I listened to was one person talking about their deconstruction of faith that eventually ended in them losing it. She said that her losing her faith made her abusers mock her, rejoicing because of their victory over her. Because her stepping out of faith was proof that her story of spiritual abuse was not credible. I have so many thoughts about this. First, I recognise what she's talking about. I know that if I would share all the ways my experience has unraveled me, there would be people who would rejoice for the same reason. Then there is righteous anger I feel for her and me and everyone like us. Why would a spiritual leader ever rejoice over a lost soul or shaken faith? And finally I think of the years I spent building a system that enables this. When all this time my calling has been to bring the gospel to the lost. It was supposed to be all about Jesus!

As I said before or William Wilberforce did, once you hear this kind of injustice "You may choose to look the other way, but you can never say again that you did not know". These kind of spiritual structures can only stand, because people who see them choose silence over justice. They choose to carry the cause no matter the cost, because the cost is not themselves. They choose silence, because talking is inconvenient. They choose not to ask, because hearing the other side is dangerous. They choose to carry the great mission on the broken backs of their followers, because they've already sacrificed so much themselves.

That's all I have to say about this for now…

In the midst of unraveling or deconstructing of spiritual frameworks, I've discovered an ease of just being in a relationship with God. I'm still in a journey of what that looks like. But it's effortless. There's room for all of me. There's room for discussions without an agenda, just relationship and exactly what House of Divine Mystery is all about. Discussion, thoughts and ideas are welcome. 

-Saija